The Day I Went Crazy and Wrote This
by Renny
Summary: I got mad from a review on a good story then wrote this fic. Chapter 6!
1. Hermione Declares her love

Disclaimer: I own nothing except my plot less, plot. I don't own any of movies/T.V shows/or books I happen to borrow things from.  
  
A/N: Review or get ye ass bitten off by my loveable yet dangerous Chihuahua puppy Jack.  
  
Summary: Something happens then something else happens then get this *Something else* happens. Damn I'm good at summaries.  
  
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I'm writing this for all the homophobes who Flame our stories because it has slashy goodness in it. Well I've had it up to here! *Indicates the top of her head*  
  
The gist of your crap is stupid junk that ends up having two of the trio getting together, later they get married, then they have the perfect child. Well we don't make fun of your shit *Except for the sentence above* so stop with the dumb 'gays suck' attitude.  
  
Everyone should have the right to write what they want. Just because you have short sighted views doesn't mean we should. We usually don't make fun of your preferences so stop judging stories by their pairings.  
  
Sorry about the rant I just got mad because of this review I read for a great story.  
  
A Very Bad Thing  
  
By: Megan13  
  
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Anyway here we go. We are in the Great Hall everything's normal except for the fact Hermione's on Harry's lap telling him how much she loves him.  
  
"Get off Hermione."  
  
"But don't you know were meant to be! J.K. will have me go off with Ron then come back to you my one and only love! I can't believe I've gone this long with out trying to have you! Let me give you a blow job!" Hermione drops to her knees and starts to undo his zipper.  
  
"Go away, you're my friend I don't like you like that!" Harry pushes Hermione off his crotch, zips up his pants, and heads for the Gryffindor Tower. On his way he bumps into Draco. *Imagine that!*  
  
"What are you doing here?" Harry got up off the floor and dusted himself off. He looked over to Malfoy who had guilty written all over his face.  
  
"Um, nothing?"  
  
"Like I buy that."  
  
"I'm on a dare, if you must know." Draco moved uncomfortably around.  
  
"What's the dare?" Harry was enjoying Draco squirm.  
  
"Well," Before he could finish Hermione poked her bushy little head into the picture.  
  
"Harry! We could be so great together! I could be your smart, adorable, and loving wife. And you could be my famous, nearly blind, and Quidditch fine toned husband." Hermione was ranting about how she would do *anything* for or to him.  
  
Draco was sucking this in, trying not to laugh. "So Potty, Mudblood's got the hots for you?" He smirked his gorgeous 'I'm so hot' smirk.  
  
"Hermione I thought I told I don't like you that way!" Wow I got three capitol I's in that sentence!  
  
"I know, but I chose to ignore that. You'll love me just wait and see!" She breaks into Jewel's Intuition. *God that song gets on my nerves*  
  
"What's with her?" Draco was looking at his perfectly manicured nails to Hermione as she's now humping the air / Harry.  
  
"She was looking through some website from a different dimension," Harry looks up at me like he's angry and I give him the finger.  
  
"How did she get a computer to work here, and how come she's getting websites from different dimension?" Harry points to me and I giggle and wave to Draco, and he waves back. *Goes into rabid fan girl laughter*  
  
"See, we were meant to be. You love me you just don't know it yet!"  
  
"Someone needs to be the pshyc ward," Draco whirled his finger around his head and crossed his eyes.  
  
"I don't like you Hermione! Can't you get that into your bushy brown head or have all the fluff fics melted your mind?" Harry was talking very slow so she could understand.  
  
"Fluff fics are great. Just look what they do to you. I usually have to eat my weight in chocolate to get this hyper!" She jumped up and down flinging her arms around talking madly. "You love me I know you do!"  
  
"I don't love you! I like someone else!" Draco was sitting on a couch that *Just Appeared* there. He choked a bit after getting some pop corn stuck under his tongue. (That happened to me I'm still traumatized *Shivers as her eye twitches*)  
  
"You love me. Who could you love more?" She was groveling and licking his filthy mud caked feet. He quickly moved his feet kicking her in the mouth while he had the chance.  
  
*Eww 'licked his feet' that just takes obsession too far*  
  
Wait Draco wants me at his feet SEE YA! *Runs to be near Draco*  
  
"I love." Harry looked around. *Who am I going to pretend to like?*  
  
Seamus was in the corner making out with a balloon, guess he's practicing.  
  
Crabbe was waiting for Draco. He was pulling at his crotch, adjusting his stuff. *No thank you* (Boy's do that all the time in my school)  
  
Luna was upside down, her head on a pillow, reading the Quibbler.  
  
*Wait that's not the Quibbler. Gross what's she using her wand there for? Wow can you do that in the hall?* Luna's now putting up her Quibbler and hiding the porn magazine behind it. Now she's cleaning off her wand, throwing looks at Harry as she does.  
  
The only one left is Draco (Imagine That!) sitting on a green velvet couch that Harry never saw before. He looked cute even though he had a finger in his mouth trying to gouge the popcorn kernel out from under his tongue.  
  
"Yes! I got it!" Draco does my embarrassing victory dance, but I don't mind!  
  
"Draco! That's it Draco! I mean look at him he's hot enough to make any man/boy turn gay!" Harry runs over to Draco, stops him in mid dance, *Crap* and whispers in his ear: "Play along or everyone in the school will know about your little one nighter with Neville."  
  
"He seduced me I swear!" *Yeah right* Hermione was looking at them both. She was kind of sweaty after her musical interlude.  
  
"Harry seduced you! Yeah right, Harry couldn't seduce anyone. It took long enough just to ask Cho to go to the Yule Ball, in fourth year. The he got (In a mean sing song voice) REJECTED!"  
  
"Hey! I did too seduce him watch!" Harry grabbed the bowl of popcorn and set it aside the he leaned in and gave Draco a light kiss.  
  
How will Draco take this little kiss?  
  
How will the Haters' of Slash forever burn in hell?  
  
Have any questions? Then review.  
  
*~*~* *~*~* *~*~* *~*~* *~*~* *~*~* *~*~* *~*~* *~*~* *~*~* *~*~* *~*~*  
  
This is the longest thing I've ever written hurray for me. I got the idea for the Angsty pre-story idea after I read said review on her story.  
  
As I said in the beginning: Review or get ye ass bitten off by my loveable yet dangerous Chihuahua puppy Jack. 


	2. Squirrels and Celine Dion

Disclaimer: I own nothing. If I did I would be rolling in dough laughing at all the little people I crushed on my way up.  
  
~*~*~  
  
People to thank! Sorta.  
  
GrimKittie: I decided to use popcorn here just not up the ass. *Thought of Harry walking like an old cowboy (Finds amusing)*  
  
TheDragonLady: She thought it was funny! * Does dance that will come back to bite her in the ass*  
  
I finally got Evil Story Penguins' attention! I love: No More Firewhisky! Thanks for the review.  
  
Bonnie girl: Yes I just might finish it if I have the will power to keep my focus. *Stares at multicolored fly buzzing around the computer* (In awed low voice) Pretty!  
  
A: I do often go crazy. Just not 'I hate Slash haters everywhere' crazy.. . a lot.  
  
Amber59: Wow! I never get to laugh at my own stuff. Usually I find it stupid or disturbing. I'm just glad you got a hell of a kick out of it.  
  
I was going to end it here, I got up at six thirty and had more reviews.  
  
Scalene TRisty: I just got extremely mad, and when I get mad I have to be mean to someone. *in this case Hermione cuz I don't like her much* Someday I*'m going to have to give them a good kick so that stick goes further.  
  
JudyIsAPunk: First of all they should know its D/H. If they don't like what we write then click the character scroll bars and leave! They just want to preach all the time, they think they're better because they like Het.  
  
Mistress Choas1: Thanks I need all the support I can get.  
  
~*~*~  
  
"Hey! I did too seduce him watch!" Harry grabbed the bowl of popcorn and set it aside the he leaned in and gave Draco a light kiss.  
  
Draco grabbed the bowl of popcorn poured it on Harry, put the remainder in his pants, then placed the bowl on his head and ran to the Slytherin dormitories.  
  
"Oh yeah, can you feel the love?" Hermione dropped every bit of the sarcasm she has in the one sentence.  
  
"We had a bit of a spat earlier," Harry tried to cover, all the while pulling popcorn out of his stringy black hair. *I described his hair? Wow! Me, put in detail! That's a first, soak it up while you can.*  
  
" 'A bit of a spat?' You've been fighting like cats and dogs since you met! Can't you see I love you? And not just for your hot ass or your whole 'Hero' thing. Okay maybe for that but there's other junk too!"  
  
Harry took off running to go find Draco. *And He Ran starts to play*  
  
"And he ran. He ran so far away. He couldn't get away," Harry sings along with soundtrack. "Draco stop!" Draco stopped like a good boy and Harry gave him a pat on the head and a Scooby Snack.  
  
"What was with the lip lock?" Draco waved his hand around Harry's face and talked like he was a chick from Brooklyn in the early 90's.  
  
(I was just a little kid in the early 90's so if it's wrong than screw the haters! *leads a revolt against haters*)  
  
"I had to get Hermione to leave me alone. If you play along I'll do anything!" Harry was on his knees groveling to the Boy-Who-Loved-Blackmail.  
  
"Well, maybe if you be my willing slave forever!" (Insert maniacal laughter) Okay, "Muwhahahahah!"  
  
"She meant later, when I wasn't around! And anyway how about a week?"  
  
"Okay I can deal with that. Let me go get your uniform," As he passed Harry he this time got the laughter on que. "Muwhahahaha!"  
  
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..:: The first day::..  
  
"Harry, do you like what I'm wearing?" Harry looked over to Hermione at the breakfast table. She had on a thong and matching bikini top, and a robe that wasn't closed. All the showed was she was out of shape and hairier than Robin Williams.  
  
"You look like a bunch of squirrels latched on to you," Harry was now taking off his robe and covering her.  
  
"So I haven't shaved in a while, okay ever, but my mom won't let me!" Harry was still trying to cover her up when he heard someone distinctly yell "Take the rest off!"  
  
"Okay!" Hermione started to get on the table and do a little show.  
  
"Not you, you stupid rabid squirrel, Harry!" Harry looked up from his spot of table he'd been looking at and saw Draco waving a 'Take It Off' sign.  
  
"Wow he really goes all out," Harry opened his shirt wiggling his chest like he had tits.  
  
"Don't worry Harry I'll but you some later!"  
  
After the scene at breakfast each thought it would be good if they walked down the corridor together. That way Harry didn't have to wiggle his man tits and Draco didn't have to yell take it off so he could see Harry's man tits.  
  
Little did they know Hermione has come up with a few plans. After putting some clothes on to cover her fir.  
  
"I think she got the idea. She hasn't bothered me since breakfast."  
  
"Breakfast was two minutes ago," Draco was noticing he still had popcorn in his hair. So he picked it out sniffed it then threw it in his mouth.  
  
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Draco: I would never ever do that. Pick something out of his hair the pop it in my mouth that's disgusting.  
  
The Author (Notice the Capitols): *In singsong voice* You get to see him in the uniform you picked out!  
  
Draco: Okay you may do what ever you want with me.  
  
The Author: *Raises eyebrow*  
  
Draco: Not like that!  
  
The Author: You never let me have any fun. It's always Harry likes it when I do this or Harry can move his tongue like that! Harry, Harry, Harry!  
  
Draco: Shut up Jan and get on with the story!  
  
The Author: My name is Chelsea! *Blows Raspberries* Ms. Allen if you nasty!  
  
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"You will not be the apple of Harry's eye for long my pretty!"  
  
"Oh god, Hermione's gone Wicked Witch of the West on us!" Harry hid behind Draco's strong capable shoulders.  
  
*Capable of what (giggles like fan girl on speed)*  
  
------------------- Draco: Shut up and get on with it!  
  
The Author: I was being nice! *Thinks: Cute ass says:* Jackass.  
  
------------------  
  
Hermione has done something so vile that even I shudder to think about it.  
  
"Yes, that's right I've collected every Celine Dion song ever written. Now you will pay!" Hermione then hit her CD player *That just happened to work in Hogwarts*, and preceded to sing My Heart Will Go On terribly off key.  
  
Will our guys get out of this torture?  
  
Will Hermione learn to shave?  
  
Will we ever get to see Harry in his uniform? *And if you know me it won't cover everything*  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Sorry for all those who like Celine. My little cousin was singing along to the Titanic soundtrack CD she found under all my CD's in my collection. She gave me the idea her and her awful singing. Well Thanks for everything.  
  
Did you like my disclaimer? He he he. I laughed at you.  
  
REVIEW OR I SHALL BRING MY RATH DOWN APON YOU! YOU'VE SEEN IT BEFORE! 


	3. Green Thongs and More Rants

Disclaimer: I own nothing. If I did I would be rolling in dough, laughing at all the little people I crushed on my way up.  
  
~*~*~  
  
Reviewers!!! I got reviews on this. Your lives must be aching for something to fill the boredom.  
  
Person: YOU GAVE ME MY FIRST FLAME SO YOU DESERVE WHAT HAPPENS NEXT IN CAPITOLS. I CLEARLY STATED THAT ALL HOMOPHOBES STAY AWAY!  
  
PERHAPS YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT A HOMOPHOBE IS. IT'S A PERSON WHO FEELS THAT GAY PEOPLE ARE BAD (To put it in a language you might understand) OR JUST FEEL THREATENED BY THEM. BECAUSE EITHER YOU HAVE CERTAIN FEELINGS TOWARDS MEN YOU DON'T THINK ARE RIGHT OR YOU WERE RAISED THIS WAY.  
  
IN ANY CASE YOU SHOULD HAVE PAID ATTENTION TO MY WARNING IN SUMMARY!  
  
Mistress Choas1: I was watching this thing on VH1 where they were showing something about bad hair I got the idea from there.  
  
JudyIsAPunk: Thank you. I feel rejuvenated by my first flame notice my three paragraph rant! There will be another.  
  
Wanderingwolf: You gave me an idea. Maybe I'll have Harry blackmail him later. Thanks for the ideas! I'm running on empty so everyone welcome to suggest something.  
  
Hyperbole: My sentiments exactly. For some reason I hate Hermione with a passion, almost as much as I hate Cho. Guess I like slash because I hate pretty much all the girls. You just gave me an idea on how to stop Celine! Thanks I've been wondering how I would do that! I hate Mary-Sue's but for the sake of slash. I'm going you use your name for her last name. Don't hurt me.  
  
~*~*~  
  
YET AGAIN I HAVE RESORTED TO A RANT. IF YOU DIDN'T READ IT GO BACK AND PLEASE DO. IF YOU FIND THE STUFF I WRIGHT OFFENSIVE WELL TOO BAD YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT THIS IS:  
  
HARRY / DRACO; WHICH MEANS SLASH, BOY ON BOY, OR YAOI WHATEVER YOU KNOW IT BY! GO AWAY IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT AND DON'T WINE TO ME MY STORY IS GROSS.  
  
YOU WANT GROSS READ MY OTHER STORY!  
  
~The Incredibly Psychotic Renny~  
  
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Welcome back I'm just getting over my rant. So where'd we leave off oh yeah.  
  
Hermione has done something so vile that even I shudder to think about it.  
  
"Yes, that's right I've collected every Celine Dion song ever written. Now you will pay!" Hermione then hit her CD player *That just happened to work in Hogwarts*, and preceded to sing My Heart Will Go On terribly off key.  
  
After about five seconds Draco began to feel like his brain was starting to melt. *I felt this also before I destroyed my Titanic CD. It's not like I listen to it*  
  
Just then Mary-Sue Hyperbole came by with her new Metallica CD blaring. *Thanks Hyperbole* And everyone knows if there anything that can kill Celine Dion besides Mimi's Anti-Mary-Sue wand (ironbark & phoenix feather) is blaring Metallica songs.  
  
Free from their horrible attack and with Hermione fighting Mary-Sue *and getting her ass kicked* they fled to their first class Potions. As everyone knows they always have potions together. That way Snapie Pooh gets to make fun of Harry and gloat over Draco.  
  
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Snape: You mean I'm finally coming in the picture. Hey what's with this Snapie Pooh crap!  
  
The Author: You're so cute when your angry. Not as cute as Draco but nonetheless.  
  
Snape: How come everyone likes Draco! I'm an evil stud too!  
  
The Author: There there. *Pats Snape on the back* Let's get back to the story.  
  
Snape: Can I make fun of Harry? *sniffles*  
  
The Author: We'll see.  
  
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Finally everyone has filed in. Harry's next to Draco and Hermione is on the other side of them. Not noticing Ron confessing he's always loved her and that he'd do anything for her.  
  
"Ron shut up; I'm trying to figure out how to get Harry!" She sounded a little strange but getting your ass kicked by a Mary-Sue will do that to you. They usually have super powers, or are really smart. So smart that Hermione pales in comparison, not to mention when she dies the whole world morns. And that her beauty is not to be compared with even the finest rose.  
  
"But Hermione, I'll do anything!"  
  
"Go jump off the Gryffindor tower and leave me alone to do my evil planning. Muwhahahaha!"  
  
"The evil laughter deal is my bag!" Draco got on top of his desk. Snape chose to ignore this as he read the new 17.  
  
"Well now it's mine, and so will Harry! Don't think that mysterious girl with the superhuman powers will save you again!" Hermione is now on top of her desk with her arms around Draco's neck.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Hermione: I would never resort to violence!  
  
The Author: He has your man.  
  
Hermione: He's going down Bitch!  
  
The Author: Who are you calling bitch?  
  
Hermione: You made up the story you should know!  
  
The Author: You're dead!  
  
*Catfight ensues*  
  
*Un-gay boys take interest*  
  
*Author sighs* Will I ever get Draco's attention?  
  
Harry: No!  
  
The Author: Forgot he's gay. Darn. *Hurts Hermione while thinking of why she likes slash again* Oh yeah I hate all the girls. *Hits Hermione again*  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
..::End of class::..  
  
Recap: Draco gets an A for hurting Hermione, Harry gets an F for breathing too loud and Ron get about forty points taken away for sneezing at least five feet from Snapie Dearest. (Harry gets them back once he saves the day from blah blah blah you know the rest.)  
  
..::That Night::..  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
"Is this right?" Harry looked up Draco he had this look of pure bliss on his face.  
  
"Yes, Oh my god Yes! Harder! Harder!" Draco moaned with pleasure as Harry did exactly as he was told. "That's a good boy, Yes Yes!"  
  
(Draco's thinking in the next paragraph. Yes Draco can think.)  
  
"Harry looks so good in that," Draco thought. Staring at his little slave in a 'Draco Luver' tank top that he'd made him wear. "I'm so glad I made this little deal. God he's really good at this."  
  
(Back to speaking out loud)  
  
"GOD YES HARDER, HARDER!"  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
"Oh will you calm down I'm only rubbing your feet!" Harry pulled his Green thong that Draco made him wear. It had a cute little D on the front.  
  
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Had you thinking something naughty huh! Bad me. Good thoughts. YES ANOTHER RANT. I got mad don't sue me.  
  
~Renny~ 


	4. Dream Sequence

Disclaimer: I own nothing except my plot less, plot. I don't own any of movies/T.V shows/or books I happen to borrow things from.  
  
A/N: Review or get ye ass bitten off by my loveable yet dangerous Chihuahua puppy Jack.  
  
Summary: Something happens then something else happens then get this *Something else* happens. Damn I'm good at summaries.  
  
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I'M BACK!!! Regretting you clicked my link already?  
  
THIS IS FOR ALL YOU PEOPLE WHO DON'T LOOK AT MY SUMMARY!  
  
THIS CONTAINS SLASH. THIS MEANS TWO BOYS WHO LIKIE EACH OTHER. (I just love the word likie). STAY AWAY IF YOU DON'T LIKE THIS TYPE OF STORY.  
  
I AM NOT GOING TO WEEP FOR MANY HOURS BECAUSE YOU READ THIS IGNORING THE WARNINGS, AND FOUND IT DISTASTEFUL.  
  
THOUGH I MUST SAY WHENEVER I HAVE A RANT MY STORY IS BETTER SO ANYONE CAN SEND ME FLAME! THEY MAKE ME ANGRY I WORK BETTER WHEN I'M ANGRY.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Though the flames you send do help my creative juices flow *realizes how gross that sounded and dares you to make a joke, you don't and I proceed* I don't cry and wish my life would end. *I only do that when I have to go to school!*  
  
So all flames will be used to filet my little brother! *it's pronounced (Fill a) with the regular a sound*  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
FIRST A RECAP!!!  
  
"Is this right?" Harry looked up Draco he had this look of pure bliss on his face.  
  
"Yes, Oh my god Yes! Harder! Harder!" Draco moaned with pleasure as Harry did exactly as he was told. "That's a good boy, Yes Yes!"  
  
(Draco's thinking in the next paragraph. Yes Draco can think.)  
  
"Harry looks so good in that," Draco thought. Staring at his little slave in a 'Draco Luver' tank top that he'd made him wear. "I'm so glad I made this little deal. God he's really good at this."  
  
(Back to speaking out loud)  
  
"GOD YES HARDER, HARDER!"  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
"Oh will you calm down I'm only rubbing your feet!" Harry pulled his Green thong that Draco made him wear. It had a cute little D on the front.  
  
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..:: NEXT DAY::..  
  
Everyone is at breakfast. Ron has a neck brace where he took Hermione's advice to go jump off the Gryffindor Tower, Hermione is growling at Mary- Sue, and Draco is snuggling Harry. Harry isn't complaining and neither are the million fan girls screaming around the world.  
  
"Harry, you got some 'splaining to do!" Hermione enters the Great Hall dressed like Christina Aguilera from 'Can't Hold Us Down'. *With hat* She also, for the sentence, sounds like Ricky Ricardo from I Love Lucy.  
  
"Hermione, stop stealing things from T.V. shows!"  
  
"I'm not doing it! Remember this is a fanfic. There's an author controlling my every move!"  
  
"HOW DARE YOU NOT USE MY PROPER NAME!" A voice from above suddenly starts and everyone drops everything. In the process Draco drops Harry, but he picks him back up and kisses his boo boo.  
  
"Sorry Chelsea!" Hermione squeaks out from her clothes, which are so tight they could choke a moose.  
  
"I MEANT 'THE AUTHOR' NOT MY REAL NAME! NOW I WILL BRING MY WRATH DOWN APON THEE!"  
  
~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ "Excuse me, Miss Author?" Draco picks his head up and sun rays from the window hit it so he looks like a hot bad ass angel.  
  
"Yes?" *Is drooling*  
  
"If you kill her who will chase after Harry, and become so obsessive that he turns to me to save him. I humiliate him, but all the while I fall for him and he falls for me also, so in the end we confess our love to each other. Damn I just described a Draco/Hermione fluff fic didn't I?"  
  
"Don't worry about it. I shall find another way to spite her!" *Twirls hair with heavenly finger* (Heavenly finger? Eww. Ignore that for me please.)  
  
"Thanks!" *Cuddles Harry closer*  
  
Harry: *Sticks tongue out*  
  
The Author: *Gives him the finger*  
  
Harry: *Mouths 'Oh yeah that's original'*  
  
The Author: *Glares*  
  
~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~  
  
God I put way too many little star thingies. Anyway I don't kill Hermione on the spot *Hermione Haters groan I do too*, but I only not killed her for Draco.  
  
"So okay back to the ~plot~."  
  
"WATCH IT BITCH."  
  
"Yes ma'am," Hermione gets back to the story and I get back to my keyboard. "Why weren't you in your room last night? I was going to rape you. I mean 'TALK' to you, but you weren't there."  
  
"We were having wild promiscuous sex!" Draco strips to his boxers *With little H's on them* and starts singing alone to 'I'm Too Sexy'.  
  
People around him agree he's sexy and the entire Great Hall becomes a stage. He's upfront singing to Harry who is also on stage in his green thong and Draco Luver T-shirt.  
  
Both their bodies are incredibly buff, but not so buff that the muscles scare little children as they pass. And like every other fanfic author I blame it on the Quidditch, or however you spell it. I'm too lazy to check my book.  
  
Hermione is mad because Harry doesn't want her and Ron is so horny for her he's humping her leg.  
  
"Harry let me hump you!" Hermione yells out while kicking Ron in the face.  
  
"Are you kidding Draco's the hot one!" Some nameless student yells at Hermione who has succeeded in getting Ron off her but he is still drooling on her shoes.  
  
"Hermione, I have just realized my love for you burns like the intensity of a thousand white hot suns!"  
  
"Oh Harry, you realized that I am your one and only love!"  
  
"Yes I have," Harry jumps off stage and grabs Hermione sweeps her off her feet and heads for the doors. Hermione sticks her tongue out at Draco who is thunder struck.  
  
And at the exact same moment I said thunder struck he gets hit by lightning.  
  
/-/-/-/-/-/-/ /-/-/-/-/-/-/ /-/-/-/-/-/-/ /-/-/-/-/-/-/ /-/-/-/- /-/-/ /-/-/-/-/-/-/ /-/-/-/-/-/-/ /-/-/-/-/-/-/  
  
Hermione wakes up. She looks around her. There are bottles of unfinished Butterbeer and papers for rolling pot and Ron is next to her with a Harry mask covering the bottom of his face.  
  
"Crap, just a dream. How am I going to get out of here without letting that moron Neville catch a glimpse of my perfect ass," *Everyone looks at her ass and is appalled by the amount of hair on it* Hermione stops her self pitying and listens only to hear grunting.  
  
Who's grunting?  
  
What's with the Dream Sequence?  
  
Why do I do this after every frickin' story?  
  
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Sorry I haven't updated in a while. I got pissed. Only one person reviewed my third chapter.  
  
SHOULD I EVEN RESORT TO YET ANOTHER RANT? DON'T READ IF YOU DON'T LIKE.  
  
Review Or YOU SHALL SEE THE PITS OF HELL WITH ME AS YOUR TOUR GUIDE!!!  
  
~Psycho Renny~ 


	5. Kissing on Snape's desk

Disclaimer: I own nothing. If I did I would be rolling in dough, laughing at all the little people I crushed on my way up. Muwhahahaha! *Remembers it's not all hers and sits down.*  
  
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I called a meeting to see what I should write for this next chapter. I got nothing. Though I did succeed in making three of the HP characters go nuts.  
  
*Watches as Seamus, Neville, and Dean are carted off to St. Mungo's. Watches as a body bag in the shape of Hermione is carted to the morgue*  
  
A/N: Flame me I don't honestly care.  
  
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Megan13: Lol, She found this story. I never thought she would. *Feels embarrassed* She thought it was good.  
  
GildedCage: I HATE CHO ABOUT AS MUCH AS I HATE HERMIONE!!! Ginny isn't one my favorites either. She's just a big Mary-Sue now. J.K. got rid of all her flaws and she's taking the spot light off the more important characters. Trelawny just got on my nerves.  
  
~*~  
  
RECAP ME BABY!!!  
  
(Last time on 'All My Potter' *Hears intro to 'All My Children'* Gawd I hate that song.)  
  
"Hermione, I have just realized my love for you burns like the intensity of a thousand white hot suns!"  
  
"Oh Harry, you realized that I am your one and only love!"  
  
"Yes I have," Harry jumps off stage and grabs Hermione sweeps her off her feet and heads for the doors. Hermione sticks her tongue out at Draco who is thunder struck.  
  
And at the exact same moment I said thunder struck he gets hit by lightning.  
  
/-/-/-/-/-/-/ /-/-/-/-/-/-/ /-/-/-/-/-/-/ /-/-/-/-/-/-/ /-/-/-/- /-/-/ /-/- /-/-/-/-/ /-/-/-/-/-/-/ /-/-/-/-/-/-/  
  
Hermione wakes up. She looks around her. There are bottles of unfinished Butterbeer and papers for rolling pot and Ron is next to her with a Harry mask covering the bottom of his face.  
  
"Crap, just a dream. How am I going to get out of here without letting that moron Neville catch a glimpse of my perfect ass," *Everyone looks at her ass and is appalled by the amount of hair on it* Hermione stops her self pitying and listens only to hear grunting.  
  
?_? /-/ ?_? /-/ ?_? /-/ ?_? /-/ ?_? /-/ ?_? /-/ ?_? /-/ ?_? /-/ ?_? /-/ ?_? /-/ ?_? /-/ ?_? /-/ ?_? /-/ ?_? /-/  
  
The grunting continues and so does the squeaking of the old bed.  
  
"Almost there just a little more," Harry's voice is heard from behind his curtain.  
  
"Yeah, just like that only harder!" Draco's voice is heard from the same bed and the squeaking gets louder.  
  
"YES! YES ALMOST!!!" Hermione can't take it anymore she finds a pair of boxers that smell of piss and put them on, she already had a bra on, but without the toilet paper it sagged and didn't fit right.  
  
"Just a little harder," She wrenches the curtains open and there on the bed are Harry and Draco trying to get Harry's wand which is stuck in between the material of the curtain and the wood skeleton holding the canopy up. (The wood skeleton is not really a skeleton so don't ask me if it is)  
  
The Author: Some people. *Rolls eyes*  
  
"Arg!" Hermione stomps off pissed because if she can't have Harry, seeing him have hot boy on boy sex is the next best thing.  
  
..::Breakfast::..  
  
Draco is sitting with his lackeys and Harry is sitting next to Ron defending himself from Hermione's groping.  
  
"Ouch! You didn't have to stab me!" Hermione pulls back her hand to see blood coming out like a fountain. *Author and other Hermione haters snigger*  
  
"Well, stop feeling me up!" Harry wipes the blood off his fork and proceeds to eat his scrabbled eggs.  
  
*In a singsong voice* "Harry, it's time to go to class!" Draco comes up in all his Draco hotness.  
  
*In a singsong voice* "Coming dearest!" They hook arms and skip off to potions.  
  
//--//--//--//--//--//--//--//--//--//--//--//--//--//--//--//--//--//--//-- //--//--//--//--//--//--//  
  
The Author: *Visibly retches at the thought of Harry skipping*  
  
Harry: *Sobs* Why does everyone hate me?  
  
The Author: Jeeze, all I did was think, you stupid cry baby.  
  
Harry: *Cries louder*  
  
The Author: *Rolls her eyes*  
  
//--//--//--//--//--//--//--//--//--//--//--//--//--//--//--//--//--//--//-- //--//--//--//--//--//--//  
  
"Oh, Giiinnnyyy!" Hermione seeing my clear dislike for singsong voices uses one to call Ginny.  
  
"What is it?" Ginny looked over to Hermione from her seat, a piece of bread hanging from her open mouth.  
  
"You like my cuddly baby boo Harry don't you?"  
  
"I use to, but now I'm going for Seamus. If I could only get rid of Dean!" Ginny is trying to look like someone who has more than one brain cell, but it isn't working.  
  
"If I get rid of Dean, would you help me get Harry?" Ginny is now trying to look like she's thinking and still failing miserably.  
  
"Yeah! Sure," Hermione runs over to Dean, who is presently on Seamus's lap, picks him up and chunks him off the Gryffindor Tower.  
  
"He's gone now come on!" Hermione brings Ginny to her lair. First Hermione pulls back a statue of Merrit the Moron and the wall in front disappears reveling two poles. The theme of Batman starts playing in the background.  
  
As they hit the ground the two are now seen in costumes. Ginny is the Cat in The Hat and Hermione is The Count from Sesame Street. *Complete with monocle*  
  
"What's with our clothes?"  
  
"Merrit the Moron built this place. He likes to be different. "Special" different" Hermione pulls her cape out her ass. *If I had my say it would have been a pineapple*  
  
"So exactly how are we going to do this?"  
  
(00) (00) (00) (00) (00) (00) (00) (00) (00) (00) (00) (00) (00) (00) (00) (00) (00) (00) (00) (00)  
  
We fade to the guys who are passionately kissing in the cupboard where Snape keeps his potion ingredients.  
  
"Weren't we supposed to be ~pretending~ to like each other?" Harry gasped as he unlocked himself from Draco's demanding kiss?  
  
"Yes, but like every other fanfic in the world our close proximity causes us to suddenly fall for each other."  
  
"I can deal with that." Harry is attacked by Draco's mouth again, and Harry isn't complaining.  
  
Harry once again stops Draco's assault. "You know My Aunt and Uncle used to lock me in a cupboard, and this place reminds me of it," Harry starts to pout and Draco rolls his eyes but still picks Harry up and puts him on Snape's desk where they proceed with the slashy goodness.  
  
"Ahem?" Snape gets up from his chair and taps Draco on the shoulder he doesn't seem to notice and the gets on top of Harry to kiss him. Snape sits back down and takes some popcorn that had fell out of Harry's pants.  
  
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The Author: Snapie Pooh you know that popcorn is four days old right? Well by my standards its 19 days old, but you get the idea.  
  
Snape: Stop calling me that. And I don't care my taste buds died when I was five.  
  
The Author: That's sad. (  
  
Snape: So is your unhealthy fascination with slash.  
  
The Author: Shut up! *Draco walks by and I have visions of him and Harry having wild hot monkey sex*  
  
Snape: ahem?  
  
The Author: Stupid mind reading git.  
  
DOES ANYONE KNOW HOW TO DO THE BOLD LETTER THING. OR THE UNDERLINE THING? PLEASE TELL ME. 


	6. Typing By Memory Sucks When You Have A B...

Disclaimer: I own nothing. I do own myself and my man whore Oliver Wood.  
  
Nope not actually Oliver is hers too. *Sobs*  
  
Oh and I don't own The Sims or Barbie Girl.  
  
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I GOT REVIEWS!!! HA. PEOPLE ACTUALLY LIKE THIS. NEVER THOUGHT THAT COULD HAPPEN.  
  
Tikindi Dragon: Ha. Fear me for I am The Defender of Slash! (Great just what I need more ego.) Thanks a lot for reviewing!  
  
*  
  
CrazzieAddict06: I hope you finished it. I read it, but since I have a short term memory I don't remember if I left a review. Thanks for reviewing!  
  
*  
  
Sexybexy: You have me on your Favorites list. *Does embarrassing victory dance* Ha. I am the best all should fear me! Just kidding. By the time this thing gets posted my internet will be back on so you had better get working so I can read more of your stuff.  
  
*  
  
Angelsplash67: Hermione is just ARG . . . *runs into wall and sets self on fire.* that's how I would feel if I had to put up with her. I know I need professional help, but it's not working.  
  
*  
  
Tommi-Dragon/Wolf: I hope you finished! My mom's a great cook! *Sends you cookies galore* Here make your teeth show lot's of holes. Like golf, or the YMCA men's sauna room.  
  
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Mr. Poopy Doopy: You have me on your favorites. I'm the ruler of Earth all bow before me! Okay I'm not the ruler of Earth. I do though rule my fanfic. *Hears laughter* IT'S A GOOD STORY!!!  
  
*  
  
The Beauty of Slash: You rock. You're cool. Now give me the answers to the Fourth Block typing quiz. Please? Now please. Hop to!  
  
*  
  
Jordans-Hair-ish-my-branm: I'm weird. I might describe some sex, but I might not. I'm still new to the whole describing male/male sex thing. (I guess it would help if I were male.)  
  
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RECAP!!! YES ANOTHER ONE, BUT YOU LOVE IT AND YOU KNOW IT!  
  
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(I'm doing this from memory because my internet is cut off and since I hate solitaire I thought I might as well write this chapter and update when my internet is cut back on.)  
  
Draco and Harry were snogging the living Jesus out of each other on Snape's desk while he ate popcorn that was still coming out of Harry's pants, and Hermione dragged Ginny into her lair to concoct a plan to steal Harry away from Draco. She came up with something almost every other romance story about two enemies has.  
  
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..::In Merritt the Moron's Lair (A.K.A Hermione's Hair Haven *Hair for all occasions*)::..  
  
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"So you turned his little room into a hair shop slash laboratory?" I just had to put slash in here somewhere might as well be in the first sentence.  
  
"Yeah, but no one seems to want to buy the hair I shed," Hermione picks up bag full of brown furry stuff that's labeled Armpit Hair.  
  
"So how are we going to do this anyway? Everyone knows Harry's into Draco, and you're "just a friend."  
  
"With this!" Hermione holds a small red vial. (Like the potion on The Sims)  
  
*In low awed voice* "Pretty color! Can I touch it? Let me touch it!"  
  
Ginny starts to grab the vial, but Hermione grabs a rolled up Daily Prophet and hits Ginny on the nose. She instantly stops, starts to wine, and rolls herself into ball on the floor.  
  
"This is a love potion and if you mess it up I'll make you sleep in the garage tonight."  
  
Ginny: "*Makes sad wining noises*"  
  
"I'm going to see if Snape's left his classroom. We're making the Nasty- blood curdling-most-horrible-tasting-potion-ever potion and I'll bet anything he'll make Harry try it," Hermione stops to see Ginny licking herself. She sees nothing new and starts talking again.  
  
"I'm off to line Harry's cauldron with this love potion. Even though I don't think I've ever heard J.K. describe a love potion, enough fan fiction writers have used it that it now exists!"  
  
Hermione walks off babbling about how Harry will be hers and Draco will die a horrible death at her psychotic hands.  
  
~*~  
  
..:: Snapie Baby's Class ::..  
  
~*~  
  
"Are you two still at it?"  
  
Hermione pokes Draco it the eye with a stick to get him to stop kissing Harry on Snape's desk. It takes a few pokes and jab in the stomach, but eventually they stop.  
  
Now everyone's in his or her desk and Draco's feeling Harry up under his desk.  
  
"Now that everyone is seated and enjoying a good fingering let's get started on Nasty-blood curdling-most-horrible-tasting-potion-ever potion. Does everyone have their skunks, old shoes, a pair of my socks, a cup of sewage, Fawkes' poopy newspaper, scrapings of Filch's jacket, and Neville's underwear?"  
  
"Yes sir."  
  
"All right throw it in!" Snape sits down and polishes his toe nails blood red and his finger nails Barbie pink.  
  
"It's a Barbie World and I'm a Barbie girl. I'm made of plastic. . ." He continues to sing Barbie Girl, by Aqua and not me, while his students chunk various nasty smelling things into their potions.  
  
"All right everyone finished?"  
  
"Yes!"  
  
"Well isn't that convenient! All right now who's going to try the potion?" Everyone points to Harry. Except Draco, who now has both hands and a foot down Harry's black leather pants.  
  
"Crap, it seems Draco has complete control over Harry's mouth so we'll just have to get some other sucker. . . I mean turd faced monkey moron to do it."  
  
And at that very moment guess who's on the other side of the door snogging Seamus like there's no tomorrow.  
  
"Ah Ms. Weasley, perhaps you could help us out."  
  
Snape grabs some of Harry's potion, because he knows it's always done wrong, and gives Ginny a Titty Twister to make her open her mouth. He dumps the shit brown potion into her mouth and pulls her head down to his crotch so she'll swallow. (Ginny ALWAYS swallows.)  
  
She slowly raises her head up and pukes all over Hermione then seeing Hermione covered in gross brown crap she instantly falls in love.  
  
"Oh Hermione your overly hairy and pungently smelling body gets me so hot!"  
  
Ginny hops over Snape who fainted when he saw Draco fit his entire body into Harry's pants then disappear up Harry's . . . well his . . . ass, poop chute, doughnut hole, dirty ring, fudge machine, crap hotel, black hole, etc. . .  
  
Ginny finally makes it to Hermione and starts humping her leg.  
  
"Get off! What is it with you Weasleys? First Ron wants me now you!" Ginny doesn't stop and starts Frenching Hermione's leg.  
  
"Heel! Heel!" Ginny starts rubbing herself on Hermione's heel. "No you moron it means to walk on my side!"  
  
Ginny just barks and continues her humping. "Here!" Hermione hands Ginny a rawhide bone that she's already pissed on.  
  
"Hermione?"  
  
"Yes Ron?" Hermione rubs the spit off her leg as Ginny is using the bone for other reasons than chewing.  
  
"Why did you pee on a rawhide bone? And why do you carry it around?"  
  
"I'm kinky, very kinky, and one day Harry will know all my kinks and he will be my bitch and submit to all my evil perversions!"  
  
"I'll submit to all your evil perversions! Pick me! Do me!"  
  
"I don't do losers."  
  
Ron mumbles, "You have if you've ever fingered yourself."  
  
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The Author: Way to go Ron, you grew some balls!  
  
Ron: Thanks, but actually you just wrote me with balls.  
  
The Author: Yeah but at least you have some now.  
  
Ron: But mine are no where near as big as Hermione's balls. They're huge.  
  
The Author: As much as I'd love to make fun of she-male Hermione those aren't balls. Her fur has just curled into balls.  
  
Ron: All right I've got balls and Hermione doesn't! *sings* I've got balls, I've got balls!  
  
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Will Hermione ever get Harry? *cough NO cough*  
  
Will Ginny get Hermione?  
  
Will Draco be able to breathe in there?  
  
Find out next time!  
  
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REVIEW!!! REVIEW!!! SORRY IT TOOK SO LONG ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS REVIEW!!!  
  
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End of Chapter!!! 


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